Gramp King was still living with us when I graduated from St. Michael’s High School in 1949 and would stay with us until his death on Christmas Day 1958. Even though I had to give up my bedroom upstairs so Gramp could have a room of his own, and share the larger bedroom with my brother Frank, I never regretted doing so. Gramp was the kindest man who cared deeply for all of us. Although he was a Methodist, he helped his grandchildren learn their Catholic Catechism. He treated my mother as his “little girl” every day and couldn’t do enough for her, and my dad and he became best friends! Ma had plenty of love for all her family and was a great friend to many people. She baked for them, helped clean their houses (those who were elderly) and finally developed a small business selling her baked goods and eggs and doing housecleaning for pay. I had thought about becoming a priest since the age of ten so during my senior year of High School with my pastor’s approval, I applied for admission to St Charles’ College in Catonsville, Maryland. I was accepted and began the two-year program leading to an Associate Degree in Classical Languages in 1949. I was very homesick the first ten months there – five-hundred-miles from home and able to go home at Christmas and then not until June for the summer. Because I couldn’t stand to wear starch stiff shirts, my mom bought two aluminum laundry cases. One was always in the mail with my week’s laundry in it. Back it would come with the laundry, newspaper clippings and some goodies! After I graduated from St. Charles I wanted to return to St. Mary’s on Paca Street, Baltimore, Maryland to earn my Bachelor’s Degree in Philosophy. But my Bishop wanted to send me to Montreal, Canada to the Grand Seminary where I’d have to study Algebra, chemistry, and all my other subjects in French. Though I had taken French courses in high school and college I was not fluent enough in speech or reading to do Academic work other than French, in French. I vacillated all summer of 1951 and on the day before I was to leave for Montreal I decided I had to finish my Bachelor’s degree at our University near my home where I could study in English. Through a friendship with our State Representative, my dad got me accepted and registered in two days and I began my studies as a History Major also seeking teacher certification. I started dating, continued in the Grange serving as “Master,” and with my Gramp’s help and the last of my savings I bought a horse so I could ride with my buddy, Dave. My first girlfriend’s parents who lived next to us let me use their barn and pasture for free and I worked part-time to support my horse and for spending money. My dad loved to ride and after getting over the fact that I had emptied my account to buy her, rode the horse as much as I did! I had an earned scholarship, lived at home, and had no car of my own, so my college expenses were not great. But I could not settle down. I wanted to be a teaching priest. I had dated several girls but I felt that I was deserting God by not going on in Seminary. So, in the fall of 1953, after graduating from the University I entered the postulancy of the Holy Cross Fathers at Stonehill College while taking all the philosophy courses required in a single year instead of two because I already had my Bachelor’s Degree. My sister Dolores was now in Nursing School, Frank was in High School and Celeste in Elementary. I studied hard and earned all A’s and a couple of B’s at Stonehill but I was not happy. I missed my social life and my girlfriends. But I had determined to stay until my confessor told me to leave. In March of 1954 we had a long conference. The bottom line was that he told me to go home and get married! I was an emotional wreck. The very trying time of discernment had taken its toll – at five foot nine inches tall I weighed about one hundred twenty five pounds. At twenty-one years old when I came out, my mother was there to support me. I was so broken that I remember sitting on her lap, hugging her, and crying uncontrollably. She just rocked me as she had when I was a small child. She never gave up on me.

Separation anxiety is the biggest problem which every child going to a day care experiences at some point of time. Many parents find it really comfortable leaving their child at a day care centre while they head to work as they do not have time to take proper care of their tiny tot in the morning rush. However, it is your duty to make your child feel secured while you leave him/her at the day care centre so that they are not affected by the fear of separation. You need to come up with innovative ideas for this purpose.

Though many children enjoy the new environment and the company of other kids, there are still many children who suffer from separation anxiety. Your first goal should be understand your child’s needs and fears. You need to be able to distinguish between bad behavior and separation anxiety. You need to give your child to pass through this transition phase.

The first person a child looks forward to when he/she is feeling uncomfortable is his/her parent. It is your duty to free your child of all the fears and anxieties in his/her mind. You need to make sure that you spend quality time with your child before and after your children are back from the day care centre. This is a good way to make your child feel relaxed and comfortable. In case you are not comfortable and anxious about leaving your child at a day care centre, he/she is most likely to sense the anxiousness. You must prepare yourself and be confident about leaving your child at a day care centre. Your confidence must be visible in your actions and voice so that your child feels comfortable too and feels secured that you are there for him.

Very often, your tiny tot starts off with his usual tantrums even before reaching the day care centre. Though day care issues can affect the environment at your place, you have to device ways to keep it under control. Start being consistent! Stick to the schedule that you have chalked out. Do not look up for ways to jump over your chores that you have planned. This would make it more difficult for your child to pass through the transition phase. Tell your child stories about day care centers and what usually happens there. Explain it to him why you have to leave him there. Assure him that you will be back once you are done with your work. Get books on day care stories from the local library and read it out to him at bedtime. Spend as much time as you can with him when you are home.

The transition phase can last up to two weeks or more depending mainly on your child. In case you think he/she is showing very serious reactions while dropping him off, than what used to be there previously, it is an indication that you may have to call off the facility as soon as possible. If you stay back and take a look at your child’s day care activities, you are sure to get a clearer picture of what your child is up to. You can then decide whether to leave your child at the day care centre or to take care of him/her yourself.

Is your Au Pair Experiencing Culture Shock or Depression?

Culture Shock is a phenomenon that occurs when a foreigner enters a new culture and experiences unpleasant adjustment symptoms that can range from problems sleeping, mental fatigue, a delay or refusal to speak the new culture’s language, a desire to return home and feelings of hopelessness.  Au pairs experience culture shock in varying degrees when they arrive.  Most of them adjust quickly and are excited to meet the challenges of her new culture and all that is has to offer. A significant number of au pairs never adjust and they usually return home soon after their arrival due to a number of reasons.

Recognizing cultural shock and the symptoms will help reduce the problems that may arise between your au pair and your family.  If you understand how difficult it is for these young girls to adjust to a new country and a strange and different culture, you can be proactive in minimizing the disruption it can have on your family and for your au pair. Be patient and give her the time to adjust. Talk to her about culture shock – bring it out in the open for discussion. Ask your counselor what she plans to do for your au pair in getting her connected to other au pairs in the area, thus creating a social network and support group that greatly assists with difficulty assimilating to American culture.  In a few weeks, your au pair should be adjusting well within normal parameters.

 

However, many au pairs have significant difficulties adjusting to their new surroundings and may react with frustration, confusion and intense homesickness.  These difficulties may present as minor physical complaints: stomach aches, headaches, minor colds and eating problems (either overeating as a way to comfort themselves or a lack of appetite and refusal to eat new and different foods).  Other symptoms include anxiety and feelings of disorientation, uncertainty and intense loneliness, which can often lead to depression. These sypmtoms can often be combined with an intense dislike with certain aspects of the new culture. Your au pair may complain to others about your family, her room, the food, your the children and about the United States in general.  She may call her parents multiple times a day to complain and feel them out about coming home.  Culture shock normally occurs several weeks after the au pair arrives, but it may develop in the first week, when the initial excitement wears off and she realizes she will have to deal with a new environment for a long time.

You have a problem if your au pair finds it impossible to accept her new culture. She may isolate herself from you, the entire family, her counselor and other au pairs.  She may refuse to sign up for school and announce she plans to stay in her room for the entire year during her free time.  Au pairs that reject their new culture may start to feel the only way out is to return home.  People who have extreme difficulty adjusting to cultural shock are called Rejectors – a person who never integrates into the new environment and once home, they often have reverse culture shock, where they have difficult readjusting to familiar surroundings. Approximately 60% of all expatriates evidence these behaviors.

Difficulties in assimilating can be disruptive and troubling for both you and your au pair.  You may feel surprised that your bubbly and gregarious au pair is now hostile, silent and refuses to come to the dinner table.  You may find she is hoarding food in her room and she is experiencing sudden weight changes or becomes lethargic. If your au pair continues to show signs of extreme cultural shock, you need to call your agency and the local counselor.  Many times inexperienced counselors or managers will tell you to wait, that these symptoms are normal and that in a month or two everything should be just fine.  Waiting for 2-3 months for your unhappy, and possibly depressed, au pair to recover may be a recipe for disaster.

How do you know when the culture shock your au pair is experiencing is serious enough for a professional intervention?  First, look for signs of depression accompanied by feelings of hopelessness – when these two elements are presented together your au pair may need professional help.  Studies have shown that when feelings of depression are accompanied by feelings of hopelessness the incidence of suicidal thinking increases.

If her biological parents are telling her she has to stay and finish out the program, and you and the counselor are telling her the same thing, and there is no relief of her symptoms, she very well may develop a depressive disorder.  Some of the symptoms of depression are: a lack of interest in things that once were pleasurable; sleep problems; unusual eating patterns; sadness, crying, physical and mental fatigue and the inability to concentrate and function normally at work or in social situations.  If you recognize these symptoms in your au pair you should call your agency at once for assistance. 

Note: if your au pair agency takes a “wait and see” attitude but you feel your au pair’s ability to function is undermined by the symptoms of culture shock that may have worsened into a depression, do not hesitate to call and discuss your au pair’s adjustment difficulties with your physician. If the agency and/or counselor will not do anything, bring your au pair to the doctor yourself.  Au pairs have medical insurance and this visit should be covered.  It is important to get your au pair help if you think she is suffering from depression and not just cultural shock but the only person who can make an accurate diagnosis is a medical doctor or a psychiatrist.  Don’t try to play therapist, instead, have her evaluated for your peace of mind and for the safety of your children and for the au pair herself.  She may be unable to express her feelings and she may need help and not be able to ask for it.  She is in your care, so make sure you treat her the way you would your own daughter. 

Parenting changes during the college years… College Students need parenting but a different kind of parenting. Actually, parenting college students is crucial. The maturing student must successfully negotiate these final years, their launching years from teen to adult.

During College, the student experiences doubts, insecurities, and other challenges that create anxiety, or the “leaving the nest” syndrome. The guidance that parents offer to their children during these college years will help them to cope with their anxieties. Home is still their anchor.

By effectively parenting college students, both the student and the parent will reap benefits now and in the future.

One of my recommendations is for Moms and Dads to encourage year-round school attendance. Parents should explore the advantages of summer school attendance with their student. The mere discussion keeps the child and parent connected. They decide together if this is something that will work for the family. This is a new idea. Sometimes the student has never even considered the benefits of remaining on campus and plugged in to the life they have established there.

When a college student knows that their parents are providing some over sight, they actually experience less anxiety. Just as in pre-school, they feel safe. Its a great benefit to take a difficult classes during the summer while they are not carrying a full course load. Then there is another side benefit, if they do this every summer they can progress toward an early graduation or graduate on time. If they graduate a semester early, a reward may be they use this semester to travel.

When discussing year-round college attendance, parents and the student will realize there is both a financial and a time management benefit. The bottom line… this is a good use of time.

Students may prefer the option of returning home for the summer and attending a local community college. Here is another idea… getting a part time job. Students may be homesick and just need to be home for a while. This is okay.

My point is, there needs to be some constructive activity during the summer. Working or taking courses is a great use of the time away from campus. Always keep your eye on the goal – graduation.

A big plus to this plan is students will have a different choice of professors. They may establish a more personal teacher-student relationship and experience greater success in summer school. This helps the grade point average. It is also a big relief to get a tough course behind you.

Let’s be honest, after the first few weeks, the summer months are boring! The valuable commodity of time is wasted, and too much free time exacerbates the parental tendency to worry. Binge drinking, late night parties and other reckless behaviors are serious concerns.

When the student comes home for the summer, it is extremely important for the parents and the student to sit down and discuss “house rules”. The student has been independent for a full school year so they will expect different rules. Of course they want to retain their independence but the parent has to be comfortable with the schedule too. The parent-child relationship is nurtured and grows stronger when there is good communication. So sit down and talk about this. Do not wait until you are angry about it.

What you want is a young adult that is more open to listening to parental advice. When a parent can discuss the advantages of going to school year-round in a language that the student will hear, the student may make responsible decisions. If your student does not make good choices, then as a parent, you need to decide what you choose to finance.

When a child is college age, I believe they always need to be building their resume. Whether they are doing volunteer work, internships or taking summer classes. Any travel or outside activity should reflect on their resume. I also believe that everyone is happier when they are busy and productive. This does not mean they cannot have fun. For example, if they take a tough academic course during the summer, suggest they take a fun elective with it.

My advise? Don’t dictate to your student what they will do this summer. Just ask them, “So, what are you going to do this summer? Take summer classes or work?”

to be in an outside environment. A good daycare option need not be the most expensive one; it can just as well be the neighborhood family daycare facility, which can give focused, individualized attention to your child as much as the larger, more organized center that offers a host of activities and new learning scope.

1. You can initiate the child into staying away from you in preparation of the daycare program to come by placing the kid with a family member or known babysitter (such as a local high-school kid or neighbor) and have them understand you and your spouse need to be away from them for some time, to work. Do keep the sensitivities of a child’s needs for a loving, gentle yet firm presence in mind when choosing the child-minder as the first impression will influence how the child adapts to a more structured environment as daycare later. Ask other new parents placing children with babysitters for recommendations – stay away from those with too many bad reports.

2. Consult with your child specialist or the yellow pages or even the Dept. of Social Services to get a list of licensed daycare providers in your area if other parents are unable to guide you about this; having decided the childcare services provider, do make it a point to go visit the place with your child to check out the facilities.

3. Take your child around for a tour of the facilities at the daycare and as most service providers are only too happy to allow new enrollments (or even potential ones) to play around freely in order to take to the novel atmosphere, encourage your child to play there and interact with other children and staff at the daycare.

4. Meet all the people who will be interacting with your child on a regular basis and even though your kid may feel homesick initially, allow for more time and a bit of loving talk on your behalf on how much smarter they can be when they learn all by themselves! Focus on the positives and try to rule out as many negatives (safety, hygiene, compliance issues and background checks of the daycare employees) to know your child is at the right daycare!

5. For the first few days, you may ask for permission with the authorities at the daycare if your child may carry along a favorite toy or blanket for seeking comfort in a new environment; most places will agree – and this will make the change from home to daycare a much easier, fun-filled and smooth one for both kiddy and Mommy (or Daddy)!